Why Does My Baby Hit Herself When She's Mad

In this episode: Janet answers a question from a parent whose toddler resorts to hurting himself when he'south angry or frustrated, and she's wondering if there are some "better options" to teach him when he'southward expressing his emotions.

Transcript of "Children Hurting Themselves When They're Upset"

Howdy, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I'g going to exist responding to an issue that is fairly common. This parent has a specific question, only I often go questions forth these lines from parents who are concerned that their children are hurting themselves when they get upset, and what tin the parent exercise about that.

Then here'southward the question I received:

"My toddler is biting himself when he is frustrated and mad in situations. We know he is expressing himself, but want to help teach him other strategies. Is there an article already posted about this where nosotros can get some insight? Or what would some amend options be, other than bitter himself?"

And then I often get notes like this, parents asking most their toddler hitting their caput on the flooring when they're upset or scratching themselves, bitter themselves, doing other harmful behaviors. And this is a bit of a sensitive effect, because what happens is: a kid volition be in the midst of a tantrum, and but have this impulse to hitting their head on the floor, hit their head on something, or seize with teeth themselves, as in this example. And that'due south a very organic response that they have correct in that location, merely our emotions in the situation and our response are kind of crucial.

Naturally, we get upset. We're human, and hither's our little infant hurting himself or herself. This is actually scary. We want to say, "End. No, I won't let you." And so our reaction ends upwards influencing our child even more to want to echo what they noticed pushed such a button in their parents. We're infusing the situation and whatever emotion our child is feeling with our own emotion. And that becomes something kind of interesting and puzzling that our child has to then effigy out.

Children in these early years are astonishing learners and they're deeply compelled to figure things out, particularly things about their parents. "What makes them tick? What's going on? What gets a reaction? Why is it that they lose their cool sometimes, when I'k just doing something impulsive?"

And so they then have to explore that. They may notwithstanding be in a tantrum, but now in that location'southward this added element where they're drawing us into information technology through their behavior. So that's evidently where we don't desire to head with this, because that'south when a child's natural, lashing out behavior tin become more dangerous. On its own, these kinds of meltdown behaviors do non tend to cause serious damage. Children will not intentionally damage themselves seriously. It's more that they want to connect with something, they want to experience something, they want to lash out, and it's not unhealthy.

But when we become involved, it can cross those lines. Obviously, that'due south the last thing we want to happen. So and then we take this very challenging job of not just trusting the feelings and the tantrum and the meltdown and the frustration, that it's healthy for our child to experience that, just too trusting the mode it's manifesting. Obviously, we're going to be able to cake when harmful behavior comes directed at the states. We're going to be able to put our hand there and say, "Aye, y'all wanna hitting me right at present. You're that mad." Or if our child'due south actually in the eye of the storm of the tantrum, the best thing is not to say anything, just just accept that be our subtext if our kid does make center contact. We're nodding, nosotros have our mitt placed there easily to terminate whatever's going on.

But so if our child is doing this to themselves, nosotros still have to trust. We tin can't come in with fear and helping them protect themselves. This is an instance of parenting for the large picture, which is one of our big challenges as parents, and hard to practise, because the large picture and what we want to do in the moment often don't go together. What virtually of want to do in that moment, when our child's hurting themselves or even when our kid's having a meltdown and not hurting themselves, we want to say, "Oh hey, it's not and so bad. Ooh. Don't do that to yourself. What'south going on? You lot tin feel better."

We want to stop the feeling, most of us. And peculiarly if the feeling is causing scary behavior. We just want that to stop. But once again, those reactions in the moment will actually make this behavior worse and more frequent. So nosotros take to see information technology a unlike way. We have to see it with trust. And and so once nosotros have that trusting attitude, there are some things that we can do. Simply they have to be from a chilled-out place. And they have to exist while we're encouraging the feelings.

In other words, in this state of affairs with the toddler biting himself, you might say, "Yeah, ooh. You lot wanna seize with teeth yourself. Here's something y'all tin can bite." And then we accept a teething ring or something. Nosotros're not running off to get something. Nosotros're non urgent. We're just offering the proposition. That's the all-time we tin can do. That's the best chance we have for our child to have us up on that and non demand to keep exploring the power of their behavior over us.

So, if a child is hitting their caput on the floor, let's say, there the child isn't fifty-fifty looking at us, so I wouldn't say annihilation unless they made eye contact. But I would merely become a little thin pillow or something and just tuck it under my child's head while they're in the middle of that. Not trying to stop the emotion. Again, actually encouraging them to vent, because I know that that needs to happen. That's the best thing they can do. And I'm just gonna do some little things to arrive a little safer for them.

But I'm seeing that in the big pic, my child having their flow of emotions and me not getting in the way of that is the best thing. That's how they volition go the bulletin that it'southward safe for y'all to get to these places in yourself. And they practise pass. That'south what builds resilience, and eventually, children exercise accept more emotional cocky-control. What we can provide is the safety and trust and the message that, "Information technology's okay for yous to experience what you're feeling. I want you to do that. I don't want yous to try to put it away from me or hold it in or make it look different. I'thousand just hither to hold the lines and the boundaries effectually hurting me or other children, or doing really dangerous things. But mostly, I trust you lot to vent."

And then this, like a lot of communication I give, isn't piece of cake. It's an mental attitude. It'due south really understanding our office in these situations is every bit more of a therapist. We don't want to get in the way of what is good for you and important for our kid to go out of their body.

Then, the best way she can help teach her child other strategies is really simply to trust what he's doing correct now and brand small suggestions in the moment. Offer him other ways that he tin get those feelings out safely, very gently, so not trying to need he takes you lot up on information technology.

One of the parents I was working with had this consequence. Her daughter was banging her head on the floor when she was upset and the female parent did the natural thing of, "Ooh, don't practice that. I can't let y'all hurt yourself. I'chiliad gonna stop you," and reacting viscerally, every bit we exercise. She was telling me that at present this was becoming something her girl was doing, and fifty-fifty when she wasn't that upset, she seemed to be doing it. So I said what I said in this podcast, basically. "Don't requite information technology power. Trust it. And if there'south something small yous can do, like put a little coating under her caput, skid it under there. Don't tell her you're doing it, simply kind of sneak it in."

And then this female parent told me the next time I saw her, she realized that her daughter was actually looking up at her kickoff earlier she was hitting her caput, which made it even clearer to this female parent that that had go something she was doing for her mother. Plainly not something her mother wanted her to do, only she was engaged in her female parent's reaction to it, and that became the purpose of the behavior, to explore that.

I should mention quickly that, with head banging specifically, in some small children, information technology can be part of a developmental trouble. Frequent head banging, particularly if in that location's a question of developmental delay or abnormal social interactions, that should be evaluated by a doctor. So if you have any real concerns, please consult a professional.

I think this parent in the notation really does take the right attitude. She says, "Nosotros know he'due south expressing himself." And yep, I would but take her trust even more. I would suggest that she maybe gives a lilliputian casual alternative, but otherwise trust, stay out of his way. This likewise shall pass.

As well, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They're all indexed past bailiwick and category so y'all should exist able to observe whatever topic you're interested in. And remember I take books on audio at Audible.com,No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without ShameandElevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You tin can also go them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio serial, Sessions. At that place are five private recordings of consultations I've had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we talk over all their parenting problems. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and y'all can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of sound for just under $20.

Thank you for listening. We can do this.

Originally published by Janet Lansbury on March 21, 2018

Why Does My Baby Hit Herself When She's Mad

Source: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/03/children-hurting-theyre-upset/